What do you do when "no" isn't an option? Things are getting tough... it's not constant... but it's enough that it's starting to wear on me physically and emotionally. I feel like there's a tremendous amount of responsibility being shifted my way. Galen and Delia returned back from the States yesterday. We've discussed planning/hosting another Bible Study/discussion time during the week, I'm trying to help Joaquin with his Saturday morning Bible Studies (and continuing to help him with school), and I've been asked to continue to manage the house and our house worker. I know I'm not expected to do this all on my own but it's hard when you're used to being independent and when you don't even know what questions to ask.
I know that these are all things that I need to learn if I'm going to be on the mission field longer, but it makes me ask myself, "Do I really want this?" Then I realize it's not about what I want, but about what God is calling me to do. In all honesty, I thought about throwing in the towel today. It wasn't a particularly bad or difficult day, but as I look ahead to what's waiting I wonder, "Am I going to make it?"
I miss you guys at home. Today... right now, in fact, is the one of the first times I'm realizing how much I miss home. I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss my church, I miss my co-workers, I miss my kids. I miss my mom's cooking, I miss my bed. Don't get me wrong. Things aren't bad here. I can live here. I just don't know if I can be so far away from everyone and everything that I love. I don't know if I'm cut out for ministry.
If you've made it down this far, pray for me... Pray for strength and courage. Pray for humility and obedience. But don't worry... God and I are good...
I'm going to try to be a bit more transparent from now on... bear with me... this is scary territory...
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5 comments:
Hi Susie!
Christina just send me your blog address the other day. Wow - I am so impressed with your undertaking. Be strong and know the world is a better place now thanks to you! How lucky the people of Burundi are to have you with them :)
Take care,
Kristen
Hi Su-shee,
Thank you for sharing your heart. Praying for you tonight. You can do it. The Lord will continue to be strong through you.
Love you,
Nikki
Susie,
Remember our trip to the CCDA conference? Remember the burning passion in your spirit and the overwhelming clarity you experienced? Remember how God spoke to you? Hold onto that with all that you've got. The same God that spoke to you then is speaking to you now. Trust Him.
Love you,
Amy
Hi Susie!!
Know that God has you where he wants you to be right now. He is pushing you to expand and test your boundaries and faith in Him. Stand strong and believe.
Love & Hugs,
Venelda
I'm so amazed at everything you are doing. It sounds like a truly life changing experience. I'm sure that you will continue to do amazing things while you are there.
I continue to pray for you, and remember that you are never alone, no matter how difficult life can seem.
I miss you!
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